at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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