well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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