also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Randomize
