We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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