Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
