i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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