Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my shit smells like andre
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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