3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
