Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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