I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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