Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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