This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
