On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
