I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
She announced her abortion via fbk
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
