the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
