Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
