I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
