remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
