My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
