Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I didn't shave. On purpose
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I just googled if crying burns calories
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
