Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
