I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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