Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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