Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I intend to get homeless drunk
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
