I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize