Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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