i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
