if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
