I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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