I accidentally burped into my bong.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
