Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
