If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
