if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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