dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
the raccoons are back...
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