We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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