susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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