i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
