I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
