we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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