mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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