I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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