Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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