I'm eating all of the evidence.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I have aggressive nipples.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
