im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
