I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
