The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
She just used a chaser for red wine.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
