Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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