I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
