my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
