So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
