I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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