Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
