Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Randomize
