Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize