My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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