oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize