the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Randomize
