mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I need a burrito and a hug.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
