My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
