Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
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