1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize