I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
