awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
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