Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
