i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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