Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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