I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
