I like my sex mixed with concussions.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
